Catch me when I fall
by Royalistic
Summary: Post S8 ep 12 (the enemy within). Only meant to be a short fic. You will need tissues! A Jill centered fic.
1. Chapter 1

It had been a month since the day which changed everything. The results were catastrophic for all concerned, resulting in the loss of a dear colleague and friend. Most of all, he'd left a wife, mother, best friend.

The funeral was definately well attended, previous patients had attended in droves, past colleagues, including Jeff Goodwin who flew in from Cameroon with Joan and Nkeshi, Mike flew from Australia and Nick from Germany with Marian. The sight of all these people, probably in the hundreds, was overwhelming, she had no idea that he'd touched the lives of so many people, bringing several into the world, even Mrs Lyons, who she hadn't seen or heard from for years, came, all dressed in black, having left her beloved Charlie at home. Ken had even made the long drive up from Torquay, supporting Lizzie, who was finding the situation too much to deal with.

Jill stood at the entrance to the crowded church, with her dear friend Mr Rose standing quietly next to her, with Mr Middleditch the other side. They were like a second family to her. She knew Mr Rose had done everything in his power to save him, but the injuries were just too severe. His lung was too badly damaged, as Mr Rose said, even if they'd saved him, he wouldn't be able to practice anymore. Removing a part of his lung was his only option, one that wouldn't have been taken lightly.

She missed him more than ever. Alone in this world, with 4 children to care for, her career, Gordon's posessions to sort. She'd been handed Gordon's role as Head of Practice, something she had yet to accept. It was a big decision, yet she was determined to do him proud. That was the least she could do. Her wedding ring was still firmly placed on her finger, as was her engagement ring, which she vowed to keep on forever.

As she watched the church fill up with people, standing in every avaliable space, the vicar (the one that had married them 9 years previously), ensuring everyone could see. The church looked beautiful, just as it did when they got married there, the sheer amount of flowers and tributes flooding the altar, and lining the ends of the rows of seats, with more being placed all the time. He certainly was a much loved member of the community. She clung to Mr Rose tightly, not wanting to let go, unable to watch anymore. The sheer number of messages, people approaching her, some she barely remembered, talking about Gordon in a positive way, noone could say a bad way about him. His bedside manner a common topic. His ability to connect with patients, his likability, the way he treated patients.

Eventually the church fell silent, and Jill turned to look at the black car, containing her dear husband, the 6 pallbearers, all lining up, ready to carry the decorated coffin through the vast sea of flowers and people to his final resting place, where people could pay their final respects. She hadn't moved from Mr Rose's side the whole time, now inconsolable, the sght too much for her to bear. Such a grand farewell for a much loved Doctor, father, husband, colleague, friend.

"Have courage my dear." Mr Rose whispered, handing her a much needed handkerchief, which Jill took reluctantly, wiping her already tearstained face, trying to compose herself for the hundreds of people waiting inside. All eyes would be on her, watching, commenting, staring. Her reaction alone had reduced people to tears even before the service had begun. The coffin slowly made its way into the church, through the centre aisle and down to the final resting place, with a emotional and grieving Jill following behind, still clinging on tightly to Mr Rose's arm, and Mr Middleditch behind her.

As she slowly made her way down through the church, the entire congregation turned to see her, all dressed in black, the tears having stopped for a short time, trying to compose herself for the service that was about to begin...


	2. Wish you were here

As she edged her way slowly towards to the front of the church with Mr Rose by her side, all eyes were firmly fixed on her, the grieving widow. Some were sobbing, some struggling to keep the floodgates closed, others seemingly more composed and making small talk with the person next to them, passing tissues around, all there for the very same reason.

She'd spotted some familiar faces in the congregation, Jean McAteer, Mrs Middleditch, Jimmy Beattie (who'd remained sober since Marie's death), Mrs Lyons, even the neighbourhood gossip Doris Nightingale. She'd spotted Adam Carnegie, who was sitting with Catherine Deane, who she'd not seen for a while.

Mr Middleditch took his place alongside Mrs Middleditch, a long time friend and supporter, and Jill sat at the front, alongside Mr Rose, with Matron, someone Jill hadn't always seen eye to eye with, yet since Gordon's death they'd become closer, Matron drawing on her own experiences to help her friend. Sister Brigid was sobbing quietly, having lost a dear friend, someone she'd held a torch for over a number of years.

She listened to the vicar, his words spoken so beautifully, welcoming the hundreds, introducing the service, before the part she'd been dreading. The tributes. Read by those who knew him, some longer than others. She hadn't heard them, her own penned over several sleepless nights. The moment she'd been dreading for weeks.

She couldn't take her eyes off the coffin, secretly hoping it was all a dream, that she'd wake up and he'd still be here, with her like he always was. First was Mr Middleditch, who had been a great friend to them both for years, ever since they'd started at The Royal. They'd both remained loyal, sticking together when the world wasn't kind to them.

"I can't put into words everything I'd like to say. Gordon was a driving force, fighting constantly for the good of the hospital. He helped to make so many positive changes, his job was everything. Until he met Jill that is..." She sat and listened, drifting in and out, trying to concentrate without her emotions getting the better of her. Mr Rose's words stayed with her, trying to listen to what was going on infront of her, dreading her turn, to stand in front of the hundreds of people, paying tribute to her husband. Words were simply not enough, for all she wanted was her dear husband. She needed him now, to hold her hand, to come back and tell her everything was going to be ok. She desperately wanted him, have things back to how they were.

As she sat, listening to Mr Middleditch, followed by Jimmy Beattie, his words so true, written entirely from the heart, outling all that Gordon did for the family, echoing the thoughts of the many patients, and their families that Gordon had helped over the many years at The Royal. Jill couldn't help but find Jimmy's words the most moving, they meant so much to her and those that knew the Beattie family.

Soon, after Sister Brigid had finished her tearful tribute to a man she secretly loved for many years, it was soon to be Jill's turn. She froze, her legs not wanting to help her stand up, her hand seemingly glued to Mr Rose's hand, unable to move...


	3. Say Goodbye

She couldn't move. Nor did she want to, standing up infront of the hundreds that were now watching. Most of whom she knew.

She knew all eyes would be on her, listening to her every word, almost waiting for something to happen. They all knew how special Gordon was to her, and her very public reaction, yet with the court case hanging over her it was becoming too much to comprehend.

It fell on to Mr Rose, a good friend of Jill's, to gently encourage the grieving widow to her feet, offering to stand next to her while she said her tearful goodbye. His words "Courage my dear", stayed in her mind, also safe in the knowledge that Gordon would want her to be brave, just like she's had to so many times before.

Slowly, the two of them made their way to the front, Jill only glancing up at the congregation, all watching, waiting, knowing that Mr Rose, never one to shy away from big occasions, would take over if needs be.

"Deep breath my dear" Mr Rose whispered, looking over at Jill, her hands trembling, the paper shaking violently, a sign all was not well.

"He was my.. life. My best friend. The kindest, most thoughtful, if somewhat daring man, a wonderful father, this shouldn't be happening. He shouldn't be here." She threw the paper onto the altar in front of her, her hands still trembling violently, her world now falling apart around her. She simply wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not yet. The floodgates opened, albeit spectacularly, prompting Mr Rose to pick up the piece of paper, ready to carry on on her behalf. Mike Banner, not long back from Australia, his father having passed away the previous year, rushed to Jill, her emotional state causing much distress to those closest to her. He was joined by Matron, and Mrs Middleditch, all trying to offer words of comfort, but it was Mike who took her to one side, sat with her, whilst they listened to Mr Rose, holding her hand, just like Gordon used to, holding a handkerchief for her, there if she needed it.

He waited for her permission to start, a nod, was all he needed. He started, reading from where Jill finished. "He was everything, so well loved. Above and beyond the call of duty most of the time. He made mistakes, we all did, but he was so positive, a dream to work with everyday." Mr Rose began to struggle to make words out, the black ink running, the paper tearstained.

"I miss him more than words can say, he shouldn't be here. I need him here. Shouldn't be saying goodbye, not today." Mr Rose glanced over at Jill, who had buried her head deep in Mike's shoulder, her once tough exterior now falling away to reveal a much more vulnerable, emotional side, one noone had seen before. Only Gordon had, he knew how to comfort her, what to say, what to do. On seeing his friend, Mr Rose decided to stop, preventing his dear friend getting more distressed, for the service wasn't over yet.

"Please, excuse me", he stepped down, and walked purposefully over to Jill, still clinging onto Mike, desperately wanting to know if there was anything else he should've said. All Jill could muster was a quiet "thank you", inbetween sobs. Mr Rose, smiled, knowing there was little else he could do, and returned to his seat alongside Matron, who commented on Jill's distressed condition.

The service continued, for Jill it was all a bit of a blur, misty-eyed and the refusal to believe it was her beloved husband they were all saying goodbye too, Mike remaining at her side throughout, talking quietly to her, reassuring her, having gone through an emotional farewell oh his own. He knew exactly how Jill felt. Angry, depressed, emotional, frustrated. Tired.


End file.
